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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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I’ve had my fair share of odd days too – like the time the fountains in the central square (Vapaudenaukio) spurted more water than sense, drenching my socks and my mood. I was like, “C’mon, not again!” Hilariously infuriating, right? But it’s the little quirks – the ever-changing weather, the “whats-up” vibes in the alley behind Lapinlahti Street where locals say the ghosts of old masons tap dance at midnight – that keeps our town utterly unforgettable.